I need help is anyone honest?

Is this a good beggining to a story?!


The wind whistled slowly but surely in the frosty night. Like an easygoing, silent cry. Spherical stones scattered across the pavement as if they were running from the leaves that fluttered to the asphalt and danced across the street. I glanced down and looked into the creek, about five minutes away from my house. I gazed at the creek as the ripples extended throughout the water. Seeing this made special warmth come to my heart but inside I was worried, very worried. I kept trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong and that little feeling inside of worry was just my mind's eye like I usually inform myself after I watch a bloodcurdling film. But this time, it was different I knew it. I had a certain tugging feeling, which made me terrified.





All the sudden while I was admiring the goldenrod, radiant moon and stars, the sound I had been anticipating rang in my freezing ear drums. A scream, a gory scream was coming from within that house, my house. That shriek I could not forget all the time I was frantically running towards the serene and tranquil looking house. I was astonished my weary, tingling legs didn’t give in until I got to my destination. Then a tear trickled down my cheek as slow as a glacier, previous to even realizing what had happened. My heart was throbbing, my hands were trembling, and I could not stop crying. What I saw was a living nightmare.





I touched the sizzling hot front entrance handle, gradually twisted the knob… C-l-c-k the door made a surprising noise when I turned it to the right. I held the door handle for a second and thought about opening that door. Taking my hand away from the knob I started shaking frantically and crying nonstop. But without even making up my mind my trembling, pale hand reached out for the partially polished, rusted door handle once more turned the handle and popped the door open. Liquid seeped into my periwinkle sweater as I tried to stop the tears from running like a faucet down my cheek. A blazing flame heated my entire body in not even a half a second. The warmth brought back memories of sitting on prickly, warmed log in front of the campfire and backing away for the reason that your face became to warm.

I need help is anyone honest?
lots of description, but it needs a bit of tidying up, grammar is a bit untidy in places, and jars against the descriptive nature of the earlier section. like this bit:





"A blazing flame heated my entire body in not even a half a second. "





one sentence you are writing like a writer, the next you are talking like a teenager. Where does the heat come from?





"The warmth brought back memories of sitting on prickly, warmed log in front of the campfire and backing away for the reason that your face became to warm" - messy.





I think it's a good start but it just needs a bit of tidying up...





words like "crying nonstop", "got", "tranquil looking", "shaking frantically" need to be rethought, substitute in some better words.





The piece might work well as a monologue but if you are going to write it, try and lose some of the street talk.





keep trying and ask your English teacher for some more pointers.
Reply:Too much.
Reply:Great!
Reply:What kind of story is this..


If it the beginning of what can be a very prosperous horror novel, I say it is great..


Some sentences could use work...


Your details make the story but they also make someone want to turn away at times..


A few sentences have to many words describing a simple scene or action..


The use of your extended vocabulary helps builds the suspence..


I would like to hear the rest...


Let me know if/when you get done..


I think it is great..


Continue with it..
Reply:ask a question that is not that long and i will bee honest........
Reply:I think it needs tweaking, but I think you are a talented writer and you have potential! Keep up the good work. I am impressed with your grammar and spelling ability also.
Reply:"Like an easygoing whistle, wind slowly passed through the night."


The wind can't whistle %26amp; be silent at the same time, (Ls. 1 %26amp; 2)


To much description. Your throwing everything plus the kitchen sink at your story. Pare it down %26amp; try using descriptive words of a verby leaning, (implies one of the five senses, or kites or some action imagery), but lighten up on the description allow the readers imagination to enter into the story, also if I recall correctly, do not use words ending w/ly or "of" in writing unless there is no other option. And adverbs, little less adverbs would be nice.


You have a nice start for a story here %26amp; keep writing, it is interesting.
Reply:Too too too too much! Simplify please.
Reply:you know how to use words thats for sure
Reply:I have writen many storys. I like it but it is a bit overdone. It sounds like a beginning to a horror story. (if that is what it is great) the first sentence could be better and the first paragraph is a bit overdone. But i like how much you explained it and i like how you made it easy to picture what is happedning.
Reply:Awesome I like it!
Reply:sounds good
Reply:That's great!!! Check out mine, that's on my question that is:








"Tell me what you think of my poem and story. It's about the world. Please. :D"
Reply:i like it!!


=]
Reply:I love the imagery and metaphors/similes. AWESOME! *(:D